The Great Pause: Part 1
Listening to the inner guidance of the ‘ick’ and slowly slowing down. Undoing the hustle. Again.
Pressing pause isn’t what I’d imagined it to be.
For most of 2024, I operated with the intention of abundance. I said yes to all the great things coming my way. This is what I’d been creating for decades and after an interesting pandemic redirect, the events were again flowing easily and fully. So a wholehearted yes to abundance felt like the right mantra for me. Of course it was. It wasn’t wrong, it wasn’t bad, but maybe it wasn’t quite specific enough.
Then a couple weeks ago, in conversation with a few students after a corporate class, I felt an ick. In my personal and professional life, I’d already been noticing overwhelm and a sense of barely keeping my head above water. But it was nothing compared to teaching 20 heated power classes a week, like I used to, so I could handle it. It wasn’t facing oppression or living in war, so I could deal with it. It wasn’t chronic pain or adrenal fatigue so I’d get through it.
After months (years?) of offering spiritual teachings by day then burning the midnight oil on my computer, my justifications were beginning to fall flat. On the inside, something was off. And on the outside, others started to see it too. Following a chat with students about teacher trainings I used to lead in Thailand and Sri Lanka, the disconnect in my actions was undeniable and it felt icky. I was hustling, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
“You used to lead 200 Hour Teacher Trainings?” one client asked in surprise.
“Yes, it was a big part of my career. Now I’m more interested in leading shorter and more specialized trainings” I replied, happy to leave that part of my yoga career behind me. Content that I was clearly only doing things I loved now and in a slower, more intentional way.
“Carolyn really does it all!” another student exclaimed.
It was intended as a compliment but left me with a very icky ick. The realization that I ‘do it all’ hit me right in the gut. Was I doing it all? I stopped leading longer trainings, should I cut back more? Did I have to be doing it all? And if I actually could do it all, how would that benefit the people and communities I’m teaching? If it appeared that I was doing it all, this was certainly not in integrity with my raison d’etre. It seemed like a wake up call to reevaluate how much I was still doing and how my choices were making me feel. And now that I was thinking about it, although my choice to say yes to everything was affording me many chances to practice presence and focus, what I was feeling was exhausted.
The first visible words on my website’s homepage are “Life is the Practice”. Meaning that every moment is an opportunity to practice mindfulness. Cooking a meal, shuttling children around, a day of endless meetings - everything can be a meditation. Sitting quietly in meditation won’t always be a useful tactic for coping with life’s challenges. And sitting still in meditation every day just won’t be possible for some people. With access in mind for folks navigating a range of predicaments and situations, I offer all kinds of retreats and classes ranging from breathwork to yoga to mindfulness workshops to retreats to online meditation to everything under the sun (except 200 hour yoga teacher trainings). I don’t like to exclude anyone. So I offer something for everyone. I want to support anyone with a busy life. I really do it all. This intention is loud and clear on my website. I’ve asked for this. Goal achieved and abundance level unlocked.
So why was there an ick? Why did someone’s innocent comment lead to an inner “Oh no, I’ve got it all wrong”? I created this, don’t I have it all right? I do not solely rely on external feedback about my offerings, but paying attention to the reflections of others is useful. Taking note of observations others make is worthwhile - especially if it’s taken with neutrality and to assess whether the observations are the track I’d like to be on or not. My teacher constantly guides me to pay attention to what happens around me. My work from there is to notice and stay curious with the following questions:
Are the things happening around me truthful?
Are things repeating in patterns?
What are the red flags and the green flags?
Are they from a place of trauma?
Are they projections?
How are the people and things in my realm affecting me and how are they guiding me towards a more aligned version of myself?
How does life seek to keep me in integrity?
I could play devil’s advocate and answer yes as well as no to the questions above. I was eager to sit with the ick that came up from being perceived as a jack of all (yoga) trades - because “Life is the Practice” of course and here was another situation to be present with and to observe without judgement. I wasn’t triggered in a defensive way. I was startled in an icky way. And I’d been onto this deep seeded sense of misalignment for a while already. The abundance intention was pulling me in so many directions and my body was feeling the icky residue of doing it all. Abundance had once again become a hustle and I thought I could hide it. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I was ‘over’ that phase of my career. I thought hustle energy only came when doing things I didn’t love. I thought things were all good. But the ick was pointing me to my intuition. And my intuition was saying “Pause. Pause Carolyn.”
While my inner guide was saying pause, my outer guides were saying:
“Wow you are super busy!” (my overworked bookkeeper)
“You’re really doing a lot” (at least 15 different students over the last 2 months)
“Get ‘Not Right Now’ tattooed on your forehead” (my beloved assistant)
“She does it all!” (more students and colleagues)
Topped with a nasty eye twitch and a revelatory meeting with my teacher last week, I succumbed. Enough with abundance. Time for an abundance of pausing and narrowing my target. Time to get specific. Time to stop before my body stops me. The ick was a wise messenger that I was not in integrity and that a change was vital. Suddenly I was over the moon about the ick’s insight and couldn’t pause quickly enough.
Part 2 coming next Sunday…
