I was safe, but my body didn't know
on family, nervous system triggers and catching myself mid midsummer spiral
A boundary is a promise to myself
This summer I’m noticing the role I play in family triggers. I’m catching myself more swiftly mid-spiral (help me dear God) and am still (always) returning to the practices that help me feel safe in my body. These promises are non negotiable boundaries I can uphold for myself. My boundaries keep me strong, observant, forgiving, soft and accountable.
I need my boundaries. In summer and anytime I’m in a group. Family gatherings especially stir something deep in me. It’s always been this way. Summer itself almost frightens me — whether from burnout, the heat, or the way my body remembers feeling unsteady and guarded during those long days together as a child.
Safe or not?
Even when things are calm, my nervous system doesn’t always feel safe.
Because when hypervigilance and fawning have been your survival tools, they don’t just disappear when the threat does.
Sometimes they ramp up even more when things are “fine.”
And when all is well, what then?
What do you watch for when there’s nothing to watch for?
These moments can be big triggers — but also big teachers.
And the truth is: the onus is on me.
I’m the one holding the power to pull the trigger.
The practice continues
A few nights ago, we were driving to one of these gatherings. We were celebrating Hana’s birthday as well as national holiday. The day was sunny and warm. We had stocked up on snacks and gifts for everyone. It was going to be a fun event. But still, doubt and insecurity that I couldn’t quite pinpoint was in the background.
As we got closer, I felt survival mode kick in:
⊚ Task-oriented
⊚ Zoned out
⊚ Clock-watching
⊚ Jaw tightening
I walked into the house and switched 'on'.
Cleaning. Organizing. Anticipating. Controlling. Perfecting.
Anything to avoid sitting still with memories, grief, the unknown of what might arise over dinner and fireworks.
So I slipped into old stories and my pace became rushed. Higher pitch. Louder voice. 'I' took charge.
Then, across the room, my husband gave me the gentlest side glance.
And I felt it hit: dysregulation.
I quietly raised a hand to my own chest —
A small private gesture that said:
Slow down, Carolyn.
A new story of safety this summer
Slow down - there it is again. That concept, that pace I am forever learning as well as teaching about.
I’m open to the lesson here at the start of summer too. And I will be ready for it as summer winds down. The practice never ends.
I put my tools to practice in that kitchen. I set down the bag I was holding, slowly.
I helped myself — my younger self, my mother-self — find ground. I looked around. Nearly laughed at the internal frantic state that had been building.
I took a sip of water. I took my daughter outside.
Later, I honored my body’s incredible ability to protect me.
But I already was safe.
I already am.
I have the tools. And I still need them.
I’m no saint. I’m not perfect. I try hard to be. I try to create the perfect conditions for me to feel safe everywhere.
But safety lives here — in my body,
in the new neural pathways I’m creating.
I become a safer place for my truths and for all my parts
with a different thought or a long breath. Right here. This, I can control.
Some days, I still pull the trigger.
And that’s okay.
It’s quieter now.
Less often.
And I always come back.
The practice continues.
Ways I support myself when I feel triggered or dysregulated:
꩜ Noticing early signals in my body (tight jaw, task-mode, zoning out, increased heart rate).
꩜ Naming what’s happening internally - or saying it aloud, even after the fact, to someone else. Tracking what I noticed and one thing I handled well or differently.
꩜ Trusting that the Sacred Pause is always available to me.
꩜ Using simple physical gestures (like placing a hand on my chest) to ground myself.
꩜ Slowing down movements (setting something down slowly, walking more gently).
꩜ Taking deep breaths - a simple Coherent / Resonance Breath is my jam right now.
꩜ Stepping outside or shifting my environment briefly.
꩜ Drinking water (slowly if I can) - this is actually a powerful tool to support nervous system regulation.
꩜ Connecting with someone safe or present (even through a glance).
꩜ Honouring the part of me that’s trying to protect.
꩜ Reminding myself: I am safe now.
These are small but powerful ways I return to myself. And many of them can be done in the heat of any summer family moment. They are however, best practiced when calm and at ease. Our bodies absorb new information easiest when we are regulated.
Wishing you a soft, slow and strongly boundaried summer. PS - Boundaries are an act of care for yourself and others—not distance.
So much yes. That jaw-clenching, high-voltage energy—the relentless cleaning, reorganizing, purging… all of it. I had family visit a while back, and in the chaos, I actually sprayed countertop cleaner straight into their breakfast eggs. True story.