Falling out of love with yoga

from infatuation to whatever subtle speechless stage this is - all things change

Yoga stopped feeling like enough quite early in the game. I began writing this piece in 2019, when I was still leading yoga classes and 200 hour yoga teacher trainings but had been contemplating how and if I wanted the physical practice to remain in my life. Because evolution is natural. Because there is much more wisdom to explore beyond an advanced yoga pose. Because the seasons change and the season of contorting (and of injuring) my body needed to wind down. Because love changes but the lessons stay with us forever. The following is a story that began many years ago and like everything, is still evolving…

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I remember feeling speechless upon realizing that yoga wasn't helping me in the way I needed anymore. Showing up to class and doing lunges was a great ritual - a maintenance of sorts - but it started to become mindless. ​My mind could still run its old narratives through the plank → chaturanga → updog → downdog flow.

Yoga was initially a powerful tool for getting me in touch with all my moving and movable parts. The physicality of yoga showed me I had a home of flesh and bones. It was a solid start. And pretty quickly, the path home to who I wanted to be was revealed through listening to and working with the internal networks of my mind.​ Wholeness seemed to be a journey of becoming quieter and — still.

Brit Kwasney photo

I sometimes look back and remember how resentful I was, how victimized I was, how insecure I was. My body highlighted these stories. Through the mindful and sacred placement of my body in vinyasa classes, the absurdity of my beliefs became more evident. There was a misalignment between my body and mind. My problem-focused mind rarely did me any favors. She did exactly as she was told. Changing the positions and posture of my body didn’t fix this.

Yoga has helped, no doubt about that. Yoga was the precursor to the real work. I always consider it 'the gateway'. Yoga, and especially teaching yoga, forced me to see myself clearly. And I saw red, often. I once was literally a slave to my mind and it was a fiery, tumultuous place.

How yoga readied my mind for change

• The regimen of moving my body in a fluid but structured way was new to me. I came to yoga after years of fleeing and of substance use, so naturally there was a disconnect from my body. Giving my body and breath directions and literally seeing results was a new experience for me. It sparked a belief in the possibility of more long lasting change for my body, my behaviours and habits.